Self Esteem Boost

Lately I've had my feelings crushed and have been feeling sad. Very little, if none of it was my fault. Because of it I've felt negative and I probably will for a period of time, but things happen for a reason. I know that I am a good person and that I deserve good things. And someone out there wants to be with me and thinks I deserve the best and can give it to me.

The biggest issue has been the fact that I've been confused by the whole situation. I am hoping I can discover some answers that may clear up my understanding.

Being a person who has dealt with depression and anxiety caused by many areas of my life (including but not limited to parents, family, romantic relationships, personal relationships, professional relationships, etc.) I can admit that I've given serious thought to suicide in the past. Obviously, I have not acted on those thoughts, but sometimes it still feels like it would be easier.

If you are feeling depressed to the point that you want to hurt yourself or take your own life, please read this: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ It's been reassuring to me multiple times and can lead you to some wonderful resources of coping methods. Please give it a read, even if suicide is just a quiet idea in the back of your mind.

And know that people do care about you and love you and want you to be happy. Love is tricky to understand. Imagine it as a rose, in which the stem is thorned and the flower will or already has opened up to reveal its beauty. Though complicated, love is a wonderful experience and there is someone out there for everyone. True love can handle pain and resistance and still survive.

Now, as wonderful as loving someone is, it's so important to love yourself first. How can you expect to truly love someone else if you don't truly love yourself? That must be learned first. Once you are truly proud and comfortable with yourself you can invite another person into your life. Having a life partner is wonderful and highly desired, but you must feel comfortable and strong being independent first.

Thanks for letting me blow off some steam. It's been quite a rough weekend and week so far, and it's only Monday!

Sarasota, Florida in 7 days! :)

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Why Those Who Criticize Me are Wrong

Everybody gets compliments, constructive criticism, and insults. Like everyone else, I've been received all of these types of comments from different people for a variety of reasons. However, some of the most insults have come from people who are supposed to care for me the most.

Those people don't know how much they've hurt me by what they've said and how the worst of the worst insults are branded permanently on my mind.

However, as I've matured and gained strength, I've come to realize how these people are wrong. I still feel the pain but I'm in better control and I've also come to realize how immature these people are. Below I've shared the criticism and why they are wrong or why they have no right to say what they've said; in many cases, they are wrong AND have no right to talk.

Criticism: "You're gaining weight, you should cut back on what you're eating."

Why they're wrong: This comment has come from several people who have no right to talk. Two of them have been overweight for nearly their entire lives and have developed high blood pressure, diabetes, and a variety of other ailments due to the extra weight. The first time I heard it, I was 16, 5'9", and 170 lbs. According to the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute, my BMI was 25.1, which barely falls into the overweight category.

Excuse me for developing a woman's body. I may not be the skinniest person in the world, but at 21, my BMI has remained about the same, which puts me in the healthier population of America. I've also learned that many men don't mind subtle curves on a woman.

Criticism: "These grades are horrible; you wouldn't get into Sinclair with grades like these."

Why they're wrong: Sinclair is a community college. I'm honestly not sure what would keep you out of Sinclair unless you are a convicted criminal. Also, the grades this person was speaking of averaged out to a 2.9 (on a 4.0 GPA). Maybe not stellar, but certainly not bad.

Criticism: "If you abandon us, we won't consider you part of the family anymore and we'll take away everything we've given you and you'll have nothing."

Why they're wrong: I'm not an idiot. Period. Yes, I am thankful for what has been provided for me, including insurance, a vehicle, and half of my college education. But, if you were to take it all away, I would likely be just fine. I would have to take out a loan for my final year of under grad studies, but after that I can claim myself as an independent, if not earlier for other reasons.

Criticism: "You're throwing away your life by being with the person you're with. Your significant other does not have a job and is currently not in school."

Why they're wrong: My S.O. is in the unemployed population of America that is currently 9.9% of our country (15.3 million people). Let me also economically define the term "unemployed": the state of an individual looking for a paying job but not having one. This means that children, full time students, the retired, and those NOT looking for a job, are NOT included in this number.

Please realize that this definition does not use the 300 million some total country population to calculate this number!! There are only approximately 154.5 million people included in the unemployment rate calculation. (do the math)

There are other things I could comment on and could use as violent defense against these people who criticize me, but I want to be the bigger, mature person.

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I am a Fantastic Person, Really

Challenge #3: Improving My Self-Esteem

No matter how many times Nathan tells me I'm beautiful, how often professors say I'm smart, or my friends say I'm strong, I don't always believe it. I try so hard to, but I tend to forget when I need it the most.

So, here's to arrogance for a few sentences:

I am smart, attractive, accomplished, and able. Very little can stand in my way. I change for me, and for nobody else. I care for myself just as I care for others. I am important, worth while, and I deserve good things. I have a driving force that is carrying me through my college years. There are people in my life who love me and care for me, even if I can't see them through the fog. I feel better after venting, and most outlets for stress are acceptable, including sharing that stress with friends. I don't need to apologize for the way I am.

There we go. I feel better now. While this paragraph is tailored to me, each person out there has a list of amazing accomplishments that they may or may not be aware of. I encourage you to write yours, or ask me and I can write it.

Challenge #3: Work in Progress

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Could this double as a personals ad? Maybe not.

Miss Independent

This is for those who want to know a bit about me, or are simply looking for some inspiration.

I've faced various challenges and obstacles in my brief existence.

Challenge #1: Becoming independent from men.

I was successfully independent from men after a crippling break up this past October, and enjoyed every minute of loneliness until Nathan reappeared in my life in April. I was able to fall in love again and possibly for the last time. I was able to do this because I had taken the necessary and much needed time to be alone for long enough to realize what was truly important to me. This is something I highly recommend for any person struggling with relationships. You can't see the whole picture until you step back far enough to bring it all into your field of vision.

Nathan allows me to be independent and has helped me become more self-aware. I'm now able to see clearly how I react in various situations, some of which I would resort to old habits. Since I had time to realize what I wanted in a person, I was also able to alter my drawbacks to the best of my ability. Obviously I won't cater to him or change for anybody but myself, but I am a better person than I used to be.

Challenge #1: Check.

Challenge #2: Coming soon!

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Here's to you

Today I spent my morning with my dear friend Drew. While clumsily swinging at a tennis ball back and forth, we shared a conversation, provoked by him.

He asked, "So, Nate? How long have you known him?"

I said, "Well, pretty much my entire life, but we reconnected in high school, and that's where we became such great friends."

Drew - "So what made you start dating him?"

Me - "Well, I guess I finally realized that he's always been there for me, and that I do really care for him, so I thought we could give it a shot. He had liked me for awhile, but I was always with someone else. I, haha, feel as though I had a bit of an epiphany, realizing that I had strong feelings for him! So I told him."

Drew - "On behalf of every man in this world, THANK YOU!"

Me - "Haha, what do you mean?"

Drew - "Do you know how many men live their entire lives in love with their best friend, always wishing for something more, but always been told that they're a 'good friend'? I'm sure Nate was excited to hear you say that to him."

You know, we're taking a big risk, and I'm scared out of my mind. But I want it. It's thrilling. There are many obstacles, but we can conquer them; I know we can.

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What is my purpose?

This is something I've thought about over and over again in the past few months, and I'm hoping that an answer will develop itself soon. I do have a few ideas though.

My role in life involves many things.
1) Be me. Nobody can do it better.
2) Be useful. I want to contribute to the world in a positive way.
3) Be a lover. It's such a strong part of me. I ache when I don't have a direction to send my affection.

Again, I am a lover.

As much as I hate to admit it, I need to have someone in my life to care about besides my friends and family. I hate feeling so needy, but I have such a strong desire to have someone by my side that I can take care of.

And I can't keep pretending to have feelings that aren't there all the time.

So right now I'm focusing on being happy while being single. I need to grasp the sad reality of life and enjoy it to the fullest. This link helps me get through the day; it's like a tough coach that supports you but also pushes you to be your best.

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