Okay, so I know I say I'm in a stage right now where I'm not interested in anybody, but in truth, I kind of am. I can't help it. It's human nature to want to be with some one and it's my nature to feel lonely when I haven't had much social interaction (which I haven't had lately because of the mono).
So, here's the thing. A strong part of me is very much in love with my best friend. I know this, he knows this, my friends know this. When we aren't together (i.e. I'm at school or whatever) I totally feel it, 100% of the time. It's a deep feeling that I haven't felt in a long time, and I know it's real. Whenever he's out with friends, I'm jealous, and that is just me caring! I know it is! I've learned this from myself over time. But I wouldn't be jealous of someone that I only cared about as a friend would I? No!
Anyway, sitting here, typing away while he's 100 miles away is when I feel it the most. I miss him, I love him, and I know he feels the same way. Do I love him because he loves me? Or is it legitimate? That is an entirely different question that will be dealt with at a later date. Moving on!
Then, when we are actually together, the feelings fade. How? Why? I have no idea. They just aren't as strong or they aren't there at all. This might be a bad sign! I've never had this before and God knows I don't know what it means. *pause to think*
Why would the feelings fade? Am I creating some perfect image of a man in my head and then realizing that image isn't real when I see him?
That sounded very mean. He's wonderful, just not perfect. Nobody is. I'm not. Lord help me, I'm not even close.
But I can't decide if it would work or not.
And here is the other thing: I'm in love again with one of my ex's! Wait, strike that. I never fell out of love with him. We only broke up because of circumstance. I'm still very much in love with him but I have no idea if we'll ever live close enough together again to make it work. I would love it if it did, because I really felt that he was the one. I think he felt it too. But we were in high school (and barely in college). A lot has changed. Maybe I shouldn't keep my hopes up.
But here's the thing. I kind of do want to keep my hopes up. Because I was very much in love with him. And what if the thing with my best friend doesn't work out? What if I do realize that I just love him as a friend and nothing more? Then my heart is open to my ex again.
I can't rule anybody out right now. And I can't date anybody right now because it wouldn't be fair to them.
Hm.
Q
